PPP (Post Partisan Placement) has just been engaged by an anonymous White House personnel director to conduct a priority executive search for US Secretary of Commerce, to replace the latest candidate, Republican Senator Judd Gregg, who dropped out yesterday. Interested applicants with the following profile should contact the White House by close of business (COB).
Name: First name and last name should be interchangeable (e.g., Gregg, Judd or Trent, Lott) and preferably one syllable each. Steele, Trap, Judge Dredd, Biff Spleen - you get the picture.
Experience: Having held elective office, while a preferred competence, is not essential. Playing politics, like putting your name forward and then withdrawing as a crucial vote is about to happen (see Gregg, Judd) is no longer acceptable.
Haircut: Actual authentic hair is less important than having the Conservative Cut (see Lott, Trent). Must project the "I'm working for a Democrat but at heart you know I would blackball him at the country club" look. Blago-hair is, shall we say, way over-the-top.
References: If you're a Republican Senator, first be sure to arrange that your state governor will swear on the Bible and say "cross my heart and hope to die" with all his fingers visible when he agrees to appoint another Republican to replace you. Then apply to the RNC Chair for permission to "reach across the aisle."
Career Goals: Indicate what you hope to achieve by 2012 and 2016. If a politician, do you plan to switch parties? If in the private sector, do you see public service as a good place to weather the Depress Downturn?
Salary Expectations: Don't expect any pay increases.
Job Description: You get to oversee the Commerce Department's 40,000 employees, myriad specialized agencies like the Census Bureau and Patent Office, and preside over palatial digs in the Herbert C. Hoover Building:
P.S. Upon reflection, maybe it's that name - Herbert C. Hoover, synonymous with Depression, 1929 and all that - which gives pause to potential candidates.
P.SS. Upon further reflection, maybe it's not such a good idea - right now - to confer this position to another Republican. They might get the idea that turning the other cheek is fine in the Bible, but connotes weakness in politics.